Tyler Baltierra is not holding back about what it feels like for himself and children to be estranged from him and Catelynn Lowell’s birth daughter. They gave their daughter Carly up for adoption when they had her at the age of 16, which was chronicled on 16 & Pregnant.
Initially, it was supposed to be an open adoption, with yearly visits and updates. But Carly’s adoptive parents, Brandon and Teresa, have since cut off contact, opting not to have her on the show, and they haven’t spoken to Carly in two years.
Baltierra says it’s been difficult on him and Lowell’s other three daughters. He appeared on a recent episode of the Cake For Dinner podcast and spoke about the current situation and his views on adoption overall.
“We have pictures of Carly in our house. I refuse to just bury her. I will not do that,” Baltierra said, as reported by The Ashley. “I think that’s a huge disservice not only to Carly but it’s a huge disservice to my girls [at home] because that’s their sister.”
Nova, the second oldest, he says is old enough to remember the family’s visits with Carly, and she’s been asking questions about her sister. “She’s the oldest so she has the most memories. She’s the one that kind of talks about it the most and says that she misses her and she wants to see her and stuff,” Baltierra said. “All I say is that when [Carly] can [come see us] maybe she will. I don’t want to build up too much hope for her in the case that Carly wants nothing to do with her sisters. I don’t think that’s going to happen but it could.”
Baltierra says the situation has been a “grief and loss thing,” noting, “It’s one of those things where it’s like, ‘Yeah, this is really sad. This is hard. This is what grieving looks like,’” he said. “And I just keep using that template. It’s the only way in my head that makes sense. I won’t shy away from it… Nova is very wise and pretty smart. She knows that our family life [when Carly was born] wasn’t the best.”
He says, though the situation is unfortunate, he knows Carly is doing well. “I always make sure to tell her that, ‘Even though you see Mom and Dad upset and crying, Carly’s got a great life and she’s got everything that we wanted for her. We can feel two things at the same time. We can feel sad for ourselves and really happy for her,’” he said.
He says he still tries to contact her despite her adoptive parents’ disapproval. “As far as a relationship goes [with Carly], we don’t really have one,” he said. “I set up an email for her that me and Cate will write to. And that’s pretty much the only way that we’re maintaining any kind of communication. After her parents closed the adoption, we figured, ‘Hey, if we set up an email to her and write to it, and then one day if she ever wants it, we can give her the log-in and the password and she can kind of just, you know, go through the email herself. So that’s pretty much the only way we have.”
He says he understands if the decision to go no contact with them may be Carly’s choice, and he is accepting of that. “She might not even like us which is OK. That’s fine,” he said. “As a birth parent, my duty is to be there to answer the questions she has as an adoptee. She is owed that, and I think she deserves to have those things because, like I said, she’s the only one who is affected the most, and also had no consent to this at all.
Regarding the future, he says he is optimistic. “My feeling is that, if she comes to us one day, my job is to bow my head, fold my hands behind my back and agree with her and just tell her that I love her and say, ‘I’m sorry, I love you,’ regardless of what she has to say,” he said.