A Hater’s Guide to Ser Criston Cole

There is simply nothing better than when a person you despise makes a glaring mistake. Something small enough that it registers only with people who wish them ill (you), but also obvious enough to point to and say, “Yes, I’ve been right all along—they really are insufferable.” Maybe they made an off-color joke in a meeting, or posted a sappy anonymous quote on their Instagram stories, or committed the type of fashion faux pas that you’ve been avoiding for months because you are a maven of culture and wide-legged jeans. Taking joy in another person’s downfall is a sick little display of schadenfreude, sure. Except maybe it’s not sick? Maybe this guy just really sucks that much. Maybe if this guy starred in an early-aughts sitcom, it would be called Everybody Hates Criston, and that title would be incredibly literal.

All of this is to say, House of the Dragon’s Ser Criston Cole seems to have been written onto this earth specifically to annoy me. When he showed up in the show’s Season 2 preview with a dumb new haircut, I knew that anticipating the moment he arrived on-screen with a Westerosi Caesar hairstyle would be enough to get me through all of Season 2, maybe even the rest of 2024. Because of course he thinks he needs a fancy new haircut to go to war. Of course he does. He hasn’t found any other way to be good at his job!

Yet the root of my—and most of the viewing public’s—hatred of Ser Criston isn’t founded in the Haircut That’s Been Promised. It’s founded in righteousness. Specifically, the permanent self-righteousness that makes Criston call women whom he positively begged to marry him in the past cunts, whores, and icky-wicky-wittle spiders because they … had an ethically nonmonogamous relationship with their cousin-husband, I guess? So when Criston Cole turned back up in Season 2, regularly taking Queen Alicent to premarital, oath-breaking pound town—a place he’d previously balked at visiting when Rhaenyra asked (though he did eventually give in)—there was no turning back. This man is a hypocrite who has no loyalty and no principles—not to mention the fact that he’s terrible at his job. I am officially prepared to quench my permanent annoyance with a refreshing glass of Haterade.

I know in my mind that Kendrick Lamar wrote “Euphoria” about Drake, but in my heart, I feel sure that he also had a picture of Criston Cole tacked onto his studio dartboard. Because all I can think when this guy’s flowing brunette hair enters the frame is “I hate the way that you walk, the way that you talk, I hate the way that you dress.” The way that you keep killing people for no reason. I hate the way that you say “all women are an image of the Mother,” but then call them bitches if they romantically reject you. I hate your stupid haircut that you don’t even have in the show yet!

And you know what? That level of disgust can be a good thing when you’re positively sure it’s angled in the right direction and that direction just so happens to be a fictional character who has a bad attitude and an inflated sense of self. (For the record, Fabien Frankel’s ability to overcome his handsome face and lovely IRL demeanor to play the most pathetic, annoying, tiny little man who ever lived in Westeros is impressive.) Even the director of HotD’s Season 2 premiere, Alan Taylor, said in the behind-the-scenes look at the episode that Criston Cole is “probably the most messed-up person in this story.” As a reminder, this is a story in which children’s heads get sawed off, people impale themselves on swords, and instead of doctors and epidurals, they just have a bunch of old guys with different tea blends.

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House of the Dragon doesn’t try to make itself simple: The blond mom has brunette children, and the brunette mom has blond children; new actors were playing each character every other episode in Season 1; knowing the difference between identical twin brothers depends on one’s nuanced understanding of the phonetic alphabet (RIP Erryk and Arryk); and decades-long grievances pit mothers against each other (despite the fact that they are both mothering so very hard). But if there’s one grievance that seems to unite the entire House of the Dragon fan base, it is a solidified hatred of Ser Criston Cole. And after last week’s episode, wherein he was named hand of the king, I think it’s worth embracing that smarmy North Star of detestation.

Admittedly, in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, hateration (subsection: holleration; location: this dancery) is way up at the tippy top. It’s not necessary to stay alive, but it is delicious when deployed against the perfect specimen. House of the Dragon is prime content for the “Terrible news: The worst person you know just made a good point” meme, but rest assured—Criston Cole will never make a good point. So if you’re still holding on to a bit of humanity for the sake of maintaining peace with your work nemesis, or the neighbor who always takes your parking space, just put all that ire into dunking on Ser Criston Cole, who has absolutely earned it (it’s the only thing he’s earned—he’s very bad at his job!). Hating Criston Cole is an art, and you are the weaver of your own tapestry. Here’s a simple guide to get you started:

1. Take the hate as a challenge.

I know that you think you couldn’t possibly hate this man more, but yes—you can! He could call your favorite queen a cunt, or send a little-known character to his death for no fucking reason, or just rage out and kill a bunch of guys because he has the fragile ego of an incel. All of those things have happened within a handful of episodes, and they will only continue happening—remember that! Hating Criston Cole has excellent ROI.

2. Call him by his full name.

Honestly, this helps a lot. The “Criston Cole” alliteration gives the illusion that he is from one of those families where all six kids’ names start with the same letter and they take their denim-and-white-oxford Dornish beach family photos in July to get a jump on Christmas card season. And somehow this is the guy who ended up with a white cloak that he absolutely cannot get rid of, no matter how many queens and princesses he beds or people who get murdered while he’s supposed to be protecting the royal family.

3. Remember that you gave him a chance.

Unless you were a book reader, you likely started this show with an open mind toward Criston Cole. You didn’t just become a hater for no reason—no, Criston Cole earned your ire. He went from the only Kingsguard applicant with actual combat experience to a whiny, self-righteous rage machine, seemingly all because Rhaenyra—who was a teenager!—wouldn’t reject her birthright and go be poor with him selling citrus (all so that he could feel better about the fact that he broke his oath not to have sex with the princess he was sworn to protect).

4. Remember that this man ain’t loyal.

You know that white cloak that Criston Cole is so upset about besmirching? The one he screams is “the only thing I have to my fucking name” to Rhaenyra? Yeah, Rhaenyra gave that shit to him. She appointed him to the Kingsguard when everyone else thought he was just a standard-issue hottie. He told her that he owed everything he had to her; he saw her cross paths with the white hart, symbolizing her claim to the Iron Throne; and then when she wouldn’t run away with him, he just started calling her a bitch all the time and helped oust her as queen.

5. Think about how many lives he’s ruined.

And therefore, you are infinitely better off not messing with him! Alicent would be wise to set some boundaries because this man is toxic as hell, and not just to Rhaenyra.

Ser Crispy bullied Rhaenyra’s kids in the training yard, egging on a family feud that would eventually result in the loss of lives and eyeballs. Then he goaded their (alleged!) dad, Ser Harwin Strong, into a fight so that he’d have to leave King’s Landing, which left Strong exposed to fratricide (while that last part isn’t exactly Criston Cole’s fault, it’s also not not his fault). After all this scheming, Ser Criston somehow got promoted to Commander of the Kingsguard, only to let the heir of Team Green get his head cut off because Criston was too busy “abed” with Alicent to protect Helaena and her children. Literally, does this man even know how to guard anything anymore? You stand on the outside of the door, Ser Criston!

6. Do not be fooled by his good looks.

One has to assume that, because of his terrible personality, Criston keeps landing all these royal hotties only because he is extremely hot himself. But we won’t be so easily fooled. We can’t have diminishing-returns sex with him, because he is a character on a TV show. So we remember how he straight up rage murdered Laenor Velaryon’s lover in the middle of Rhaenyra’s wedding festivities, then killed Lord Beesbury two episodes later, and somehow still got to keep his job on the Kingsguard. We know that you can be dumb and hot, you can be murderous and hot, but you can’t be a prudish dick who’s bad at your job and still maintain your hotness. Not on our watch.

7. Look at how he passes the buck!

Not only did Ser Criston let the heir to the throne get murked in his tiny toddler bed, but he also refused to own up to his mistake and instead put the blame on one of his underlings. He told Ser Arryk that it was somehow his fault the prince got murdered because Arryk’s … cloak was dirty? Because he … guarded the procession of the prince’s little body through King’s Landing to garner sympathy from the smallfolk? Because he … didn’t guard Queen Helaena’s door, because the Commander of the Kingsguard, Criston Cole, didn’t assign anyone to guard THE HEIR TO THE THRONE? And now Criston Cole is telling him he has to go kill his twin brother because “the white cloak is a symbol of our purity?” Truly, what is this guy’s deal?! Internalize an emotion without directly causing an innocent person’s death challenge, Ser Criston Cole!

8. Leave your empathy at the door (Criston Cole sure as hell won’t be guarding it).

Sure, you could view Criston Cole’s rise to hand of the king as a classic “being promoted beyond your competency” situation, which is common in most workplaces. One day you’re hired as the newbie in retail, and a few years down the road you’re managing a team and approving expense reports; one day you’re getting wreaths put on your jousting stick, and the next, you’re placating a petulant king whose mom you’re secretly sleeping with, after you previously also slept with his half sister, literally all of which is against your oath as a member of the Kingsguard.

But here’s the thing—Criston Cole isn’t your average Michael Scott. He’s failing up to a homicidal degree. His best idea to date was to do a Parent Trap (leading to twin death), and his worst idea to date was to bed his way to the top instead of learning how to guard princes and kings (leading to toddler death). And now we’re letting this nickels-for-brains motherfucker (literally, I’m so sorry) give advice to princes and kings? I do not feel sorry for this man, and you shouldn’t, either. He could have refused these promotions; he could have kept his oaths. But he didn’t. He has run up a haters tab that even Mommy Alicent cannot pay off.

9. Dwell in the possibilities.

I would never ask you to stop hating Criston Cole. But I would ask you to rest assured that the source material for your hate will surely come to an end one day. This is Westeros, after all, and in Game of Thrones, and the House of the Dragon, and eventually those Tales of Dunk and Egg or whatever, nearly everyone will die—often gruesomely and without honor. We are likely at some point to see Ser Criston reach his end in a satisfying manner—and until then, we get to live in the hope that he will have itty-bitty baby bangs when it happens.