Despite the influence he wields and the long shadow he casts, Logan Roy (the brilliant veteran Brian Cox) is often a man of as few words as possible. Whether talking to family, his wife, or his underlings, Succession’s domineering patriarch is more prone to one-word responses or even grunts than a full sentence—the better to either communicate his disapproval, or hedge his commitment to a promise he doesn’t plan to keep. That’s why when he does get verbose, you’d better sit up and pay attention, because it usually means an obscenely curt, razor-barbed insult is on deck. Last night’s season 3 premiere kept the energy going, with Logan rebuking the oily Waystar CFO Karl’s bid for interim CEO with: “If your hands are clean, it’s because your whorehouse also does manicures.”
To celebrate the show’s return, which puts Logan in some of his most spiteful moods yet, here are the best Logan one-liners to date.
10. “I was about to take advice from a clown who dives headfirst into the shallow end of the pool” (“Austerlitz,” season 1, episode 7)
“Austerlitz” is one of the show’s most blistering episodes, but a little dark humor goes a long way when the man who’d been moderating a family therapy session—and attempting to break through Logan’s tough exterior—knocks several of his teeth out in an ill-advised dive.
9. “People come to us because we don’t sell them on anything. No packet of fucking bleeding heart, United Nations, Volvo, gender-bender horseshit.” (“Sad Sack Wasp Trap,” season 1, episode 4)
That should be the FOX News logline.
8. “Just text on your phone, ya bendy fuck.” (“Prague,” season 1, episode 8)
Millennial disdain and an unsuspecting adjective for Roman’s wiry frame, in one fell swoop.
7. “When you laugh, do it at the same volume as everyone else. We didn’t get you from a hyena farm.” (“Tern Haven,” season 2, episode 5)
To be fair, this is where Logan Roy and my own dad start to match up.
6. “Drive your fucking whirly bird.” (“Tern Haven,” season 2, episode 5)
We’ve seen rich people bark on their drivers, but barking on the helicopter pilot is a different level of wealth.
5. “So sue me—my lawyer used to work for the justice department, who’s your lawyer? Mr Fucking Magoo?” (“Summer Palace,” season 2, episode 1)
When Logan obliterated this Hamptons contractor so forcefully, some fans primed themselves for him to return unsuspectingly to help bash the Roys in the press—his phone is situated in his pocket in a way that suggests he could be filming their encounter—or just bash his head in. He may be out there still, biding his time.
4. “This is about as choreographed as a dog getting fucked on roller skates.” (“Hunting,” season 2, episode 3)
Lines like this are why we need a camera in the Succession writer’s room. (This episode also earned Cox a much-deserved Emmy nomination.)
3. “He’s selling me things I want at a fair price. So what’s next? Fellatio?” (“Prague,” season 1, episode 8)
You don’t get to 50 years in the business without a shrewd sense of when corporate espionage is afoot.
2. “You wanna do good things? Be a fucking nurse.” (“Nobody Is Ever Missing,” season 1, episode 10)
Words can’t do the delivery of this line justice. The Emmy had Brian Cox’s name on it from here on out.
1. “Would you like to hear my favorite passage from Shakespeare? Take the fucking money.” (“Tern Haven,” season 2, episode 5)
Logan bringing some of his own terse, colorful flavor to the Bard was a beautiful dagger to the blue blood, snooty Pierce family.