Singer/songwriter Harper Grae will welcome her first child with wife Dawn in just a few months time. The new addition is the singer’s rainbow baby, arriving after she suffered a miscarriage. As they prepare for their new daughter or son to arrive, Grae released “Still Your Mother,” a song to her angel in heaven. While the song is written to the soul of her unborn child, Grae has penned a letter to their new baby, which she has shared exclusively with Sounds Like Nashville. She is also encouraging other mothers to share their miscarriage and rainbow baby stories at stillyourmother.com. Read her letter below and listen to “Still Your Mother” now.
Little lady or gentleman,
“In only a few short months, you’ll be joining our family.” Words I thought I would never be able to speak. You see, I lost my first baby through a miscarriage. I lived in silence for a long time. Truthfully, I don’t know why I chose to not speak. I have supportive family and friends. Maybe it was because society didn’t talk too much about miscarriages or maybe it was me wrestling with my own feelings – could I have done something different or ‘more right’. Then I met your mommy and she changed everything within me. We both wanted to grow our family. She turned my fears of being pregnant into an aluminous world of light and hope. Quickly, we began to talk through our plans of creating you – in a pandemic, nonetheless. We tried for four months, which doesn’t sound like a long time, but when you have experienced loss before, it felt like a lifetime. There were daily shots and medications, ultrasounds, numerous doctor appointments (some which your mommy wasn’t allowed to attend due to CDC restrictions), poking and prodding, temperature checks to make sure me and your mommy didn’t have Covid-19, and multiple, not so comfy, IUI procedures, all while wearing masks and being socially distanced. Let’s just say your mommy caught many of your mama’s tears during those four months. Then, on an October morning, we saw the two pink lines we had been praying so hard for. I was overcome with excitement, while simultaneously being terrified. All of my doubts from a decade ago came rushing back, so every move I have made with you has been thought out: what I eat, how much I workout, how little I workout, my sleeping positions, every bathroom visit, analyzing every kick you make or don’t make, overthinking every twinge I feel, and caring for you the best I can until you’re in my arms. I’ve read every article, downloaded every app, and listened to more podcasts than I care to admit in order to learn everything I can to keep you safe and healthy. I have been living life looking through a magnifying glass at my every breath and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Some people call this manic control, a product of post miscarriage, “peace of mind”, but I call it loving you.
There are so many people, places and things I cannot wait for you to experience. The two most important people will be your mommy and big sister. They already love you so much. Almost every night, mommy plays “Surrender” by Natalie Taylor and “A Million Dreams” from The Greatest Showman to my belly (your mommy likes the Pink version the best). I was playing these songs when you were conceived at Nashville Fertility Clinic, so naturally they have become your little theme songs. We love music in this house, as you’ll soon see (you’ve even already had your debut in a music video that premiered on CMT because I filmed “Muddy Water” when my pregnancy was still a secret between me, mommy and you). The next person is your big sister. She asks about you all the time, “How big is the baby today?”, “Is the baby kicking right now?”, and so much more. She will teach you so many cool things, like how to blow a straw wrapper with such accuracy that you both could create an Olympic winning team. I must say, I picked a pretty incredible family for you to join. Then, there is your angel big brother. I recently wrote a song for him called, “Still Your Mother.” This was my way of speaking to my experience about losing him. However, after many tears and conversations with your mommy, I now know I didn’t lose him, but I get to experience his soul in a different way, and you will too. There are SO many people who are going to love, challenge and encourage you; especially your dog sister, Luna, and cat sisters, Nala and Bella. (I sure hope you like animals!)
I cannot wait to hear you cry for the first time. I think you’re going to love crying because, after all, you’re supposedly going to be a Cancer, like me. Even as I am typing this you gave me a swift little kick to the ribs almost as if you agree with me. If I can have one hope for you, may it be that you always feel loved and share the love you feel with others around you. I am counting down the days ‘til we meet earthside.
Love you more today than yesterday – and yesterday was a lot.
XO, Your Mama