Before making this album I was depressed and going through a lot of stuff. My life had changed so dramatically and I didn’t know how to take it. People were so positive around me, and then I was just abusing myself. Taking too many substances, drinking too much. Not appreciating the situation I was in. Everything was a blur.
Were the substances a good time or an escape? Or did they help you creatively?
Well for me, I needed an enhancement for fun. I’m a pretty hyper person in the zone, but they never helped me creatively. Psychedelics definitely elevate you.
Like what, molly? Acid?
No more like shrooms, and I like shrooms, those are the ones I believe are cool. Smoking weed and doing shrooms in moderation I think is good for you. But it was just the point where it was easy. People would offer me stuff and I would be like, Fuck it, yeah. I was paranoid and waking up feeling like I wanted to kill myself everyday.
When did you reach that point?
Post-touring LA, before TYRON. Then when you’re finally on your own and the only person you have to deal with is yourself, you can’t block it out. When everyone’s having a good time and I’m sitting there miserable, it became apparent to me. Sometimes it gets lonely, man. I’ll be overthinking, overcomplicating, making assumptions.
Did the pandemic help to shut out the noise?
At first, the silence was really loud. I needed it, it was a blessing in disguise.
What do you overthink? The professional or personal?
Personal. With my music, I’m never really bothered if people are going to fuck with it because I’m always hungry, it’s pointless to think about it. Relationships, the way you’re living. Getting fucked up and knowing that’s not the way I should be living.
It’s interesting because the length of your relationship has run parallel to your explosion. How has that been to navigate?
I think I’m a good reader of people, and I hate all the surface-level bullshit. If that’s the only thing you have to offer, what’s the point? I’m happy to talk to anyone, but I don’t like meaningless conversations. I want to learn, or have a laugh. So it’s not really a problem when I’m carrying myself correctly. At the end of the day, I’m just normal, when you’re going to work, you’re going to work.
It’s work, but my work doesn’t look like yours in the sense of the constant validating. So it must be difficult to separate what’s real and what’s not.
You can get lost in it. When people keep telling you how great you are, you start believing it. There are so many fake people who have come around me saying, “You’re the best thing since sliced bread.” So going through that manic period really brought me back down to Earth, the controversies I’ve faced…people dragging my name.
When you’re getting so much good stuff and then you get dragged down, I mean I was dragging myself, anyway! I came sliding back down. And then when everyone is saying, “Fuck this guy! It affirms what is in your head anyway. So it made me appreciate every moment, every little detail, and how much harder I have to work now I’m in this position.
The higher you rise the further you have to fall, and the second you’re not the underdog anymore they’re ready with the pitchforks.
They’ve always had pitchforks out for me. When you’re from a place with not much opportunity and you’re striving to make anything happen, people want to be negative. People were saying I’d proved them right. But we all make mistakes, we all do things.