Why Has Kate Middleton Mysteriously Disappeared? An FAQ

It’s Friday, March 1—do you know where your Princess of Wales is?

I should clarify that on any given day, at any given hour, I do not know where Kate Middleton is. I don’t know where she gets her hair done. I don’t know which castle she might be gliding about. I don’t know if she has a Pilates studio for princesses that she likes to attend. I don’t know if she’s demurely waving from a balcony somewhere, or which balcony she prefers to demurely wave from. I don’t necessarily know what a queen consort is, or why it manages to sound kind of dirty, or if Kate will eventually become one. I am in possession of an absolutely pristine mental image of a young Kate Middleton walking in a student fashion show on the night that Prince William fell in love with her, suggesting to all young women—or at least all posh brunette waifs—that they, too, could one day become a princess.

But that mental image, and my general interest in Will and Kate’s coupledom, is more than two decades past its prime. So, really, it’s not all that unusual for me to not know where Kate Middleton is.

It is, however, unusual for me to wonder where Kate Middleton is. But sometime on the morning of February 27, along with the rest of pop culture Twitter, I found myself wondering: Where in the world is Kate Middleton? Even living in the United States, I have been conditioned to expect a steady stream of royal family content firing into my synapses regardless of whether I’ve asked for it. Perhaps it’s a photo of the Prince and Princess of Wales walking through a garden in jeans with their children, signaling that the royals are just like me—a gal who is never not walking through a garden in jeans. Or maybe it’s an image of Will and Kate escorting their children to school, or Will and Kate shaking hands in a receiving line, or Will meeting with the mayor of Manchester while Kate delivers a speech at a London symposium.

Or maybe … sometimes … it’s a picture of Will showing up to an event alone … with his wife, princess, and (I think) future queen consort nowhere to be seen. Because, as it turns out, the public hasn’t seen or heard directly from Kate Middleton since last year. And frankly—it’s giving Miscavige.

Sure, the palace has issued a statement declaring that Kate had a vague medical procedure with an indefinite timeline for recovery. But for a family that simply loooooves putting women on their feet the day after they have given birth in order to signify the prosperity of an archaic colonial legacy via thrusting their healthy newborns into the air like they’re goddamn Simba … well, let’s just say this lack of a public appearance—let alone a photo, or a general hang-ten sign from the window of a passing Rolls Royce—has been of note. You mean to tell me that we have this photo of Prince Philip, but nary a glimpse of Kate getting back on her feet following a hastily announced surgery?

That is, if she is getting back on her feet. Since the general public suddenly grew concerned with Middleton’s whereabouts, social media has erupted with questions about her well-being. The lack of public sightings has created a monthslong gap in the space-time continuum that, as a Reddit-reading society, we have chosen to fill with conspiracy theories, ranging from “Kate Middleton did a Gone Girl,” to “Kate Middleton has entered the Princess Protection Program from the Disney Channel Original Movie Princess Protection Program,” to “Kate Middleton got a facelift,” to “Kate Middleton has been offed, and the royal family is covering it up.” Then there’s my personal favorite: “Kate Middleton is growing out a bad set of bangs.” Excuse me—fringe.

Anyone who has ever attempted to change their lot in life by getting bangs knows: They may cover your forehead, but they cannot cover your mistakes. And in this case, the mistake may have been becoming a princess (unless it’s of Genovia): a position that permanently puts you not only in the public eye, but also in the public’s expectations. The British royal family has taught us how to consume them. Kate Middleton’s entire job is being Kate Middleton—publicly, openly, and with a smile on her face, lest the British media get a hold of a frown. There are books, scholarly articles, Netflix series, and TikTok clips full of palace intrigue and protocol minutiae. That makes this mother of three simply going off the grid for a few months a national event. For example, why is King Charles waving to the public just days after his own medical procedure in a classic royal family display of vitality, while Kate is taking months away from the public eye? And if Kate is being granted the rare royal right to privacy that Meghan Markle and Princess Diana before her were not … why?

Middleton was frequently made the public face of bullying Meghan and Harry across the pond. Now you’re telling me that face has bangs, and also hasn’t been seen for months?

No, you don’t have to be a royal family enthusiast to be intrigued by mess, potential scandal, unhinged theories, and a series of increasingly absurd memes. So I extend a royal invitation for you to join me with me as we dive into the most commonly asked questions about Kate Middleton’s current whereabouts:

When was Kate Middleton last seen?

On Christmas Day, can you believe that shit? I mean, was she also in a foggy graveyard? Did she disappear into a hazy abyss, with nothing but a whiff of Jo Malone London Orange Blossom lingering in her wake?

OK, fine, it’s nothing like that. But you must admit: Disappearing on Christmas Day is extra mysterious, and more than a little iconic. The exact circumstances, however, are fairly typical. Middleton was last seen in public on December 25, 2023, during the royal family’s annual walk to Christmas morning services at Sandringham Church.

Has there been a stated reason as to why she’s been out of the public eye for 67 days and counting?

Sort of. On January 17, Kensington Palace released a statement saying that Middleton had undergone “planned abdominal surgery” the day before, and that she was expected to “remain in hospital for 10 to 14 days” before returning home. The statement also said that the Princess of Wales likely would not return to her public duties until after Easter. “The Princess of Wales appreciates the interest this statement will generate. She hopes that the public will understand her desire to maintain as much normality for her children as possible; and her wish that her personal medical information remains private.”

The statement concluded that, due to the princess’s wish for privacy, Kensington Palace would only provide updates on her royal highness’s progress “when there is significant new information to share.” (Narrator: Kensington Palace would soon find that “significant” is subjective.)

Uh huh, and was that adding up to everyone?

Not really! In some ways, this statement is very specific: Leave me alone, don’t speculate about what’s going on, notifications are on silent, I’ll be out until Easter.

But speaking of Easter, let’s talk about the eggs within that statement. Kensington Palace said that the abdominal surgery was planned, but Kate had to postpone several upcoming engagements on her calendar for the surgery and recovery period, suggesting that this was probably a little less planned than the Palace would like to let on. At the time that statement was released, the Easter finish line was just over 10 weeks away, which is quite a long recovery period, and quite a long time to go without seeing a senior member of the royal family.

Is it unusual to go this long without seeing a senior royal?

Members of the royal family are like aliens—you really can’t compare their lives, actions, or hospital stays to anyone else’s …

… except for each other. And as it so happens, at the exact same time that the palace announced that Kate was in hospital (yeah, I’m going full British here, no articles on hospital)—no, literally, on the exact same day—it also announced that King Charles would be having a “corrective procedure” for an enlarged prostate the following week. In comparing these two announcements, a few things are of note:

• Kate’s procedure was announced the day after it happened, while Charles’s was announced a week before
• We saw Prince William arrive at hospital to visit Kate once during the two weeks she was there, while Queen Consort (sounding dirtier by the minute, I swear) Camilla was documented visiting Charles three times in a span of 24 hours (those fuckin’ two)
• It was announced that Kate left hospital on January 29, but there are no photos of her leaving, despite “hospital steps” being one of the royals’ favorite photo opportunities
• Charles was photographed leaving hospital the very same day, alongside Camilla
• On February 5, Buckingham Palace announced that King Charles had been diagnosed with a form of cancer, which he was sharing with the public “to prevent speculation.” This feels something like palace shots fired at the Princess of Wales for being more secretive about her own health!

Still: Even if it’s odd that William was only seen visiting Kate in hospital once, and even if it’s unusual that a princess would be granted this much privacy by the British media (and therefore by the crown itself), and even if Charles and Camilla were very much fucking with Will and Kate via official statement, the palace did say it would be Easter before Kate was kicking around again …

So, why did this suddenly become a big deal that everyone was talking about?

Well, because with the calls for privacy already stoking people’s interest in Kate’s well-being and whereabouts, and with Prince William returning to his public engagements in February (like weirding starlets out at the BAFTAs), it was especially surprising to find out that William pulled out of attending the funeral of his godfather, the late King Constantine of Greece, 45 minutes before he was supposed to perform a reading at said service.

Kensington Palace said this was due to a “personal matter.” Most assumed this meant that Kate was not doing well, and that William needed to leave to be with her. Which made it seem extra strange when some members of the British media went out of their way to specify that William missing the funeral had nothing to do with the royal family’s other sudden death: that of Thomas Kingston, the husband of Lady Gabriella Windsor. All of those “Prince William’s absence was not tied to the unexpected death of his distant cousin” tweets have people asking a lot of questions already addressed by said tweets!

What’s good, WILL?

William not attending his godfather’s funeral at the last minute … coupled with folks insisting that his absence at the funeral had nothing to do with the death of Thomas Kingston … coupled with Kate Middleton not being seen for 60-plus days … understandably, it had the gossiping public suspicious on the morning of February 27.

Oh, and I almost forgot! The palace has recently “pulled out all the stops” to shut down rumors of William having an affair with longtime friend Rose Hanbury, and the palace has also shut down a wild story from the Spanish journalist Concha Calleja claiming that Kate had been put in a medically induced coma and citing an anonymous source within the royal household. Some conspiracy theories began to float that perhaps William had done a Gone Girl himself, because he no longer wanted to be with his wife.

And yeah—that’s all bananas, deep, dark, Reddit spiral talk. But it’s actually not the most deranged theory on all of this …

Did Camilla Saltburn the royal family?

You know what, maybe. Things are not going well! King Charles has cancer; Kate Middleton is missing; Prince Harry moved away and lost all his sponsorship deals and got quoted a million times for talking about his frostbitten penis; Queen Elizabeth died. And, sure, some of that is just old age, but who’s dancing around Buckingham Palace right now to “Murder on the Dancefloor,” happy as a Queen Consort clam?

Are there more outrageous theories?

Oh yeah. Let’s run through a few of them:

• Did Kate Middleton get some type of plastic surgery? Is it possible that Kate never recovered from the hubbub that erupted around her sister Pippa’s derriere at her own wedding and sought a butt-enhancing surgery? We can’t rule it out! But I’m simply not sure if Dr. Miami performs a BBBL (British Brazilian butt lift).
• Is Kate Middleton Banksy? Now this one’s interesting! Middleton has been missing since Christmas … and there also hasn’t been a new Banksy since before Christmas. You have to admit: That’s logic, that’s math, that’s art, that’s amore.
• Was Kate Middleton playing “the Unknown,” at the disastrous Willy Wonka Experience in Glasgow? It is currently my greatest hope in life that Kate Middleton was somehow involved in the Willy Wonka Experience in Glasgow, or bare minimum, that she’s gotten as much joy out of watching it unfold as I have.
• Did King Charles and Kate Middleton do a Freaky Friday while they were in hospital together? Given the prostate surgery and the abdominal surgery at play here, I’d actually wager that a Gift of the Magi situation is more plausible. But prayer hands up for neither.

Is Kate Middleton actually under medical duress?

Probably! The simplest explanation is usually the right one, and while Kate could be barreling down the wrong side of a highway with a box of hair dye and a plan to frame her (allegedly) philandering husband for murder right now, it’s much more likely that she’s having a hard time recovering from abdominal surgery, and doesn’t want to see us while that’s happening.

For some reason, this could be the one time ever that the crown has chosen to honor a member of the royal family’s request for privacy, as suggested by a palace aide responding to rising speculation about Kate’s whereabouts on Tuesday: “The Princess of Wales continues to be doing well.” Very cool, very chill, very subtle response, palace aide—Kate is well, Kate has NEVER not been doing well! (But no, you still can’t see her.)

Is there a chance something untoward is going on?

Yeah, man—big, fat, royal chance! You need to have a stiff upper lip to be in the British royal family, even if that lip is absolutely pillowy from Juvederm following an alleged full facial rejuvenation. The crown is not known for being gentle when its family members become fragile. There was Diana, Harry, Meghan … and everyone else portrayed by a slightly better-looking version of themselves on Netflix, who ascended far enough up the line of succession to eventually become the villain.

So, what happens next?

Would you believe me if I told you that after all this, Kate Middleton’s team released a statement to Page Six of all places? They said, If you wanna roll around in the dirt, WE’LL MEET YOU THERE—and we’re gonna be a little snotty about it too! What they actually said was: “Kensington Palace made it clear in January the timelines of the Princess’ recovery and we’d only be providing significant updates. That guidance stands.”

That! Guidance! Stands! And, I guess, so do the memes. We absolutely wish Kate Middleton a speedy recovery, and at the very least, a new Banksy by Easter.